The Opportunity

My name is Sam Fallen and I work for God. Think of me as God’s “cleaner.” Being a demon can be fun at times. I have to say I love me some cherry pie, especially when it’s served by a hot, little blond in a short dress. She knew I was checking her out and she liked it. This is one of the side effects of being a demon; you know the whole temptation thing and all. Ah, hell, here we go.

A man a few booths away shouted at his small wife, "You are a stupid piece of shit! Can't you do anything right! I can you believe you just did that! Oh, now you are going to cry? Look everybody, she's crying!"

Now, if there's one thing I hate, it's abuser assholes.

"Please stop," she whimpered back.

"I don't believe you, just shut up and eat your fucking food."

The whole dining area was cast under an uncomfortable silence. Sir, you got my attention. That's not good for you. Normally, I'd have to wait for word from my boss, Bill Barker. Thank God (literally) I can take direct action under such circumstances. The couple in question ate in silence. Feeling the woman's hurt just burned my ass. I knew what I was going to do. It was just a matter of time. Sure enough, the cowardly loser got up to take a leak. A big dude with tattoos a few tables away also got up with the same idea as me. The loser took no notice. I put my hand up to the tattoo guy, as to say, I got this. Then, I fell in right behind the loser not making a sound as he passed my table. We demons can be sneaky bastards when we need to. I let him get a little ahead of me. Why spoil the fun, right? I followed him into the men's room and waited. Mid-leak at the urinal his ass was mine! I seized his right arm shoving it up painfully behind his back and grabbed the hair on the back of his head. He shrieked in pain as I shoved him into the large handicapped stall with piss flying everywhere (he was not done yet). Whoever had been here last had the green apple squirts and not flushed (you are all savages, you know that?). Face first into the dark brown water the loser went and there was not a damn thing he could do about it. I held him there until he got a nice mouthful of feces laden water. It was now time for the real fun to begin!

I pulled him up and threw him onto the ground ahead of me. Gone was the restaurant bathroom. He had landed on a hard-packed sandy ground under a pitch-black sky.

"What the hell? Who are you? What do you want?"

"Welcome to Hell. I got what I want now, your soul for eternity," I answered.

He started to stand and a shove from my size 19 boot put him back in his place.

"Feeding time!" I shouted.

Nine huge demons appeared around the loser feeding on his fear.

"What the fuck is this, Sam?" The harry one said scratching his balls.

"Take out," I answered.

They nudged him with their large feet and poked at him with white-hot fire tongs. They were like disappointed dogs getting a bad treat.

"Ahhh, a waste of time," another added.

One by one they disappeared.

"Well, this is awkward," I said when it was just he and I again. "But they're right."

"Who the fuck are you and where am I?"

"Hell. I already told you. Who am I? No matter. I'm not going to keep you company anymore either."

I disappeared leaving him there on the hot sand, under a black sky and the outline of rocky, snow-capped mountains far off in the distance. His hell was being powerless and alone.

I took a leak, washed my hands and left the restroom. On my table, I dropped a twenty. It was the largest tip the cutie got that night. She was a nice young woman. She deserved it. On the table where the wife sat, I dropped a hundred.

"You're free now."

The tattoo guy nodded to me as I walked out. The loser was never found. He was resting uncomfortably four dimensions away. Of course I became what your police call a “person of interest.” I don’t find your Orwell shit all that amusing. But I don't show up on security cameras and appear differently to different people. I felt a little bad for the lead detective but not that much. I don't really care for dicks. Like I said, we can be sneaky bastards.