Walk Away III Final.

Everything changed for us after that terrible night, but even more so for Ben. Many of our values became a big pile of meaningless shit. What you have has little to do with who you really are. The parties, football games, and cars all lost their luster. Ben lost his job as our starting quarterback as well as Tiffany Norris. His other so called friends distanced themselves from him. Charlotte and I were his only friends by the end of the school year. Like everyone else, we didn't quite understand what had happened to Ben. We wouldn't leave him. The three of us still had a good time together. Looking back on it, we had even better times. Ben knew the value of life and friends as never before. For his former friends, he held no grudges. It was unhealthy to do so, he said. His grades went to hell and everyone said he had no “future”. Especially his parents. They were right, what they would call a future was not for Ben. Ben was always happy, the teachers, coaches and his family could not understand. (They chose not to understand.) Ben knew he had a new lease on life, like a convict released to freedom. I think he knew all along what he was going to do. Ben called me a few days before graduation.

"Hey, Jimmy they aren't gonna really let you into the world now are they?"

"Yep... And your dumb ass as well!"

“We’ll see ‘bout that one Jim. Hey, I got a favor I need to ask ya.”

“Okay, shoot.”

“Can you give me a lift? Say around five?"

            "Think I can arrange that, sure. Where are you off to? Don't forget graduation practice at six."

“I won’t. See you at five?”

“Five.”

Whenever I went to Ben’s it was always the same old scene. Ben’s mom would plead with me. It was no different this time...

"Talk to him Jimmy, you’re the only one he’ll listen to. He’s throwing his whole life away!!" she sobbed.

”I’ll try m’am." I lied

            I knew there was nothing I could say. Was he really throwing his whole life away? All of these people with a so called future wound up so unhappy. They cared more for their things than others. Things don’t care back. Everybody said this same old crap about Ben. Ben and I left behind the heavy tense atmosphere of his house and headed for the freeway as he asked. He still hadn't told me where we were going and after about five miles I asked where in the hell were we going.

"Pull over here.” he said

“What?”

            "Pull over.”

I did.

“Jimmy, you’re the only one who will listen to me. Listen to what I tell you now. God knows no one else will. This life here... In our town... What we are supposed to believe, supposed to value, to want and do in life; I'm sorry it's not for me, just not for me. The football scholarship, college, then a career and the big house and all the rest; is that all there is to life man?”

I sat there gaping and dumbstruck. What the hell did he want? There was nothing wrong with those things. They are what most people want in life. It was my turn to misunderstand Ben. ­He went on.

“Maybe that is all there is to it. All the stuff... But I don’t want it anymore. It brings no happiness. Think about it Jimmy, most people spend their whole life worrying about their valuables and looking down on those who have no “valuables”. I tell ya man, they have something worth a lot more... freedom. They are free from all the worries that come with having all kinds of stuff. They can't judge others by what they have. I think that’s what I’m looking for. Was Mr. Shoe any less of a man because he had nothing?”

"Ben, I’m sorry bud, but you can’t just walk away from your life because of what happened. You have to live the life you have.”

“Walk away... That’s a good idea. Jimmy, that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. I’m not running from anything or anyone, just walking away. I have to do it this way, on my own terms. I’m not leaving my life behind, I’m going to find it. There is nothing back there for me.”

He got out of the car and picked up a small bag off the back seat. (Until then I hadn’t even noticed it.) He started to walk away down the little used freeway.

Suddenly I called after him. “Hey, what the hell am I supposed to tell everyone?”

He looked back at me and with a big grin. “Try the truth Jimmy. You’ve been a great friend and I’ll never forget you bro, goodbye. Tell them the truth!”

            With this, he turned away again and his pace quickened. Soon he disappeared over the hill and I never saw him again. Back in town, no one liked the truth. Ben’s mom will not speak to me to this day. A post card from Ben two years later confirmed the truth I tried to tell them. They missed the point again and only hurt more. They blamed themselves for his "failure"

Striking out from the herd and the familiar was not in me yet. I took the path everyone else said would lead to happiness and success. A college degree, good career, nice car and a big house in the right neighborhood were all mine in time. I married Charlotte and we had two beautiful little girls. For seven happy years we lived our fairy tale existence. Then, things started to change. I lost my job in a recession and Charlotte had to go to work, something she was not accustomed to. It was not enough. We lost the house. I did find another job, however the pay was nowhere near what it was before. There was no way I could afford all the valueables we had once enjoyed. Charlotte was in no way a shallow woman, she loved all the people we knew. It was difficult to go from our apartment to the mansions many of our friends had. Especially since we were on an even footing with many of them only six months ago. People say money does not matter? Things got worse between us. Eventually, she found some one to put her on an even footing with all our friends. I no longer really cared for them. She took our daughters, fearing what would happen to them if they stayed with me. The judge agreed.  My children still teach me much about what is important in life. I started to fully understand what Ben saw as plain as day more than a decade before.

Waking away was not easy. Life in the anonymous streets can be tough and they’re a long way from the “right" neighborhood. Always remember, you are only a paycheck or two away from sharing my old run down house. A worn out rug and old leftover furniture on the rough part of town are all I have now. I, like Ben many years before, chose this kind of existence. I work enough to pay my own way the same as Mr. Shoe had done in his time. To me, the rat race is just that. I decided to do what Christ and other great teachers told us all. Anybody can talk about doing it... but really giving up all of your worldly possessions for others is a different matter. Christ and the others are right; people in need have more use for “valuables” than any rich man. What is a few dollars compared to a home for someone? Besides less “valuables” equals more freedom.  No one can steal what is truly yours, your soul. Only you can give that away. Life is simpler now. Understanding why our insults bounced off Mr. Shoe was something I never understood until I spent a little time in his shoes. Most people will never understand. He was above such petty nonsense. Insults only work if allowed to. I turned away from poor folks earlier in life. Maybe out of disgust or perhaps I saw a shade from the future and was frightened. I figured to fully understand my little narrow world of money and so called success, I had to step out of it for a little while. Most people would not like what I would say about it. But for me, it’s the truth. I will never go back to the rat race! Before you walk away be warned... You may not like what you find out about yourself. It took me almost twenty years to match Ben.